""Why do
we need love? Why do we fall in love? Why do we have to love somebody? Why do
we love to love somebody? Why do we need to be loved by somebody? Why, why
love?" he asked. Seemingly endless. For a second, I thought his lips would
never stop spitting sharp question
marks to my face. Luckily, he ran out of breath and strength to think for
another. I quite rejoiced inside, in fact. Then, I suddenly felt pain
travelling with blood around my body. It was almost unbearable that I was almost
ready to cut out my life by ripping my own head off. And when I realized that
it wasn't just pain, that it was guilt, the twinges transformed into numbness
immediately. I couldn't feel anything anymore. Even the thick gust of icy wind
coming from the open window at the right side of his room, just above the
headboard of his bed. That's the trouble with being asked. Albeit you already
admitted to yourself that you don't know the answers, you'd still feel the
urge, the guilt and the responsibility to respond. To give him a mouthful of
answers that would satisfy his thirst.
"You give yourself a lot of 'Whys' and you expect someone else to
give you the 'Because,'" I finally retorted. And he was all ears. Like a
5th grader trying hard to chew the unconventional words of his boring History
teacher. "It's like you're trying to solve for the X plus Y equation when
you haven't even found the X yet. Just the Y. A lot of Ys, as a matter of fact.
So when you try to write it down or press it on your calc, nothing will come
out but 'Syntax Error.' And that's what my answer to you right now: Syntax
Error. Your Y is too much, too high, too big, while your X is empty and still
unknown. I guess you should find the X first, and then we'll try to solve the
equation together. Deal?"
"What if the X
is you and the Y is me? Would that be enough to give me my 'Because?' Because I
think that's it. That's my problem," he replied. I think I kind of
blushed. But I knew I must not. Girls should never show the electric gush that
swims through our bodies whenever a guy offers us the sweetest combination of
nerdy words possible, and what it does to us, and how crazy it makes us.
“Don’t be silly.” I
laughed. But he didn’t, so I stopped. “So, is it a deal? Look for your X?” I
asked, trying to redirect the matter. But he turned away from me instead, and
faced the body mirror hanging lengthwise on the wall. It didn’t change anything
at all, because I could still see his features through his reflection. And I
have to admit, he was really good-looking. His angelic face always told me I
was safe with him. And it always felt like we were together in some kind of
paradise everytime I looked in his calm green eyes. Just like in that moment. I
could hear the harp playing of the angels around us. I could see clouds behind
us through the mirror. I could smell the scent of eternity. All this, right
behind him.
“I know I ask a lot
of questions about love, but I don’t really need a lot of answers to believe
it. I just need a single word that would make me believe in us. That would make me hold on to you,” he whispered. I
melted and froze at the same time. I didn’t know what to do, but gumption made
me hug him from behind. It was such a euphoric feeling in an agonizing moment.
I don't know how that could be, but I knew that I gave up. I finally gave in. I
didn’t want to, but I knew then I’ve fallen in love with him. With the guy who
doubted love. With the guy who never believed in anything. With the guy who was
lost in abstract.
Despite the ecstatic romance binding us together, something was
making me neglect it and regret my being too easy to him. I must not let myself
fall and get lost with him as well. I must find my way back home. But how could I when he’d made me feel at
home already?"
There was a girl who never liked people but loved going to elsewhere full of it. Until one night, with a stick of smoke hanging on the corner of her deadly crimson lips and a glass of violet toxic embraced by her long lady fingers, she decided to vanish visibly--eternally--lie in the sweet calm fire knowingly--endlessly.
In spite of beauty and serenity in the midst of her paradise, she the princess is still lost within her own and is still uncertain about the purpose of her being. Certain questions circle her kingdom, certain doubt strikes her pure heart of white. Why can't love reach the blinding lights ... Why can't love be the blinding lights.
