Schmuck, n.:

It's fucking funny that when you start fucking up your fucking life, you'd keep on fucking everything up. Even though you want to fucking stop, you fucking can't because you'd fucking grasp the fucking thought that the only fucking thing you're good at is to fuck things and your fucking life up.

Sometimes you'd think it's fucking cool to be such a fucked up creature on this fucking planet called Earth, being fucking wasted with some fucking spliff hanging on your fucking mouth and swigging some fucking beer or vodka, or some fucking tequila, but most of the fucking time you'd realize that you're a total fucking mess that does no fucking good all through your fucking existence. You'd think you're fucking worthless, fucking pathetic, and what-fucking-ever else to add up to that fuck, because everything you fucking touch turns to fucking shit. Everything you're involved at transforms into a fucking pile of fucked up moments. And to stay away from fucking whatever else is fucking left, you'd fucking isolate yourself. You'd prefer to be fucking alone than to fuck up more things and more people's lives, because you'd not want others to fucking stare at you like you're a fucking waste that keeps on ruining the fuck out of every-fucking-thing. You'd even put up a fucking act that you don't fucking care about anyone at all and that they should fuck off all the time because you don't fucking need the fuck of them. But nobody would ever know that deep inside your fucking vulnerability, you fucking need somebody to fucking understand you and fix the fucked up soul you'd always have.

But, on the other fucking hand, you wouldn't want to be a fucking burden to anyone that's why you wouldn't ask for any fucking help even though you really want someone to fucking offer you a hand to lift you up from the holy fucking ground of fuckedupness. Because albeit everyone knows you wouldn't fucking accept it, you would still feel rather fucking better for the gesture, for the fucking thought that someone cares--someone loves. You just fucking need a fucking love without asking the fuck for it, that's all.

Chain, n.:

Why are girls always in a hurry to reach the midst of a gray day when a Knight-in-Shining-Armor would come and save them from their respective creepy towers? Why can’t they just calm their fine asses back on the couch and forget all the fuss in waiting and searching for the Prince Charming that does not even exist, and just enjoy the singing birds that land on the windowpane? Well, nobody knows the right answer. But I, at least, could try to state some facts about this gobbledygook called “Love,” and why it sucks because of Beyoncé. No, not literally Beyoncé. But she is the one who promoted femme fatale by her stupid song Run the World, wasn’t she? So, there… you get the point.

photo from tumblr.com

1. Girls are hopelessly desperate and desperately hopeless. I lack certainty to what difference the two make, but I’m sure as hell that they’re not the same. Some real shit must be clinging on there somewhere. Anyway, girls are always up to some magical connection and weird things like that, for example a guy says Hi to her once, or they both love reading books, or they watch the same anime, or they eat the same junk, or they shit with the same awkward toilet position… Kapow! He’s already the long-lost soulmate. And what’s worse is when he turns this amazing-yet-uncomforting proposal down, he’d suddenly and absolutely appear as a douchebag sent from hell. And the worst part is because of him, she’d promise to herself that her heart won’t ever beat to love again. What the heck? I mean, he was just trying to be nice, and yet she was taking it as something more personal. Was it his fault? Classic!



photo from chrisnackers.com

2. Girls see life as an arcade game and guys are their joysticks. They think that the only way to win the match is to tighten up the grip on the controller and move it wherever they please. It’s like manipulation really is their key to victory, which guys hate. If truth be told, if there’s something more unbearable than girls on period, that’d be girls in control. WE GUYS HATE IT! “Text me where you are,” “Tell me who you’re with,” “Call me right now and tell me what you’re doing,” “Why does it take too long for your reply,” and some other nerve-racking questions and commands that are sprinkled with unacceptable suspicions. We have balls inside our boxers, okay? We’re men! And you better make us feel that, otherwise we’re done and gone.
3. Girls swim in a pool of fantasy and drink from the fountain of libido. Okay, this one is going to be weird but you can probably handle it. It’s just my very obnoxious way of saying that girls have the dirtiest and wildest imaginations ever (whether they admit it or not), and these things their minds construct set fiery expectations that could burn them down to gray ashes. I’m not going to elaborate further because I don’t want to get castigated by this, so I’ll end it with just a few honest words: Girls create an extraordinary eerie and kinky future with their crushes behind the bars of their extremely colorful brains.

photo from tumblr.com

I can go on and on and on forever listing the cute factory defects of these wonderful creatures called “Girls,” but I don’t think I will because I don’t have that forever. I’ll just say that yeah, girls are pretty fucked-up and unpredictable and reckless and stupid… but so are we, guys. We are too awful that we can never be your Prince Charming. Never. And it’s because we’re wicked by nature. We’re just a magnificent hybrid of either good-looking or shit-faced tit-suckers. We’ll sleep with you, we’ll leave you. We’ll make you feel loved, and then we’ll break your heart. But just like what clichés say, there’s a reason for everything. And the reason why we’re like this is because we were broken once… of course, by a girl.